Coincidence of Forgiveness?

Yesterday was extremely awesome. The weather could not have been more perfect. I started it off working 4 hour shift at the local powwow then driving to the Cities, picked up a friend, and went to my most favorite powwow of the year (besides the one I helped found of course!) It was a beautiful day to be outside. I saw so many eagles throughout the day. I got that natural high feeling I’ve been experiencing since all this learning and shifting has begun.

Last week I wrote a letter to my brother’s murderer forgiving him. It took a few days for that to really set in but I can say today I do honestly forgive him. There’s nothing tugging in my heart saying “hold on, hold on.” I can literally feel my spirit again. I still wrestle with over-thinking, insecurities, and such, but I can say I am happy – that’s my choice to be happy. Occasionally I’ll reread the letter even though I no longer need it as a prod to remember I’m working on forgiving the man who I once felt took so much from me. It’s insane how light my heart feels and how illuminated my spirit is in feeling; it is almost like it is physical. I’ll never seen this letter out to him. I don’t need to. I know I forgave him and that energy is out there.

I’m starting to wonder if I believe in coincidences? I don’t think I do, but I have been told I have “quite the imagination” when I think I’m putting things together. Maybe it’s discouragement. Maybe it’s a scary thought to have 2+2=4. Maybe I do just see things extremely different from others. Whatever it is it really made me shake my head in shock. The day after writing the letter a friend I have been searching for responded to me on facebook. I had been searching for him the last 2 years and messaged me about 4 months ago. When I didn’t hear back I assumed he had not forgiven me. His response out of nowhere though made my jaw drop. Six years ago we had a horrible horrible horrible falling out. Who takes the blame for it doesn’t matter, but I know how vicious I get when I feel hurt so I know a lot of the bad blood was my doing. We both agreed to leave the past where it is, (of course I had to go into my rhetoric about the past being an illusion anyway). We decided when I came through the Cities again we’d hangout.

It just so happened to be the weekend of, again, my favorite powwow. So I asked him to come with me. Some things never change – in a good way. He still gives horrible directions, I still follow his horrible directions knowing deep down they are going to get me lost. He still is slow and when he says “I’m coming outside now” I should expect him out in twenty minutes. Almost like with my best friend, whenever he and I get in a car together an adventure ensues unexpectedly. I had figure out my way from his suburb out in an area I’m not familiar with to the powwow… so many wrong exits were take, a lot of bad turns, illegal u-turns – all the fun stuff. We got caught up though! In between all the laughing and jesting at my horrible dangerous driving we did get caught up on a lot.

We got to the powwow and immediately I see Unni! I ditched him briefly to run up to her and give her a hug. It may have taken her a minute to figure out who the moron was hugging her. Of course I had to introduce her as “my unni and hero,” instead of just by her name… again, lets blame that on the natural high and also the moron part. I proudly took him around all the vendors, hoping I’d run into “my auntie” and other friends. Apparently I was taking him around as if on a field trip. I laughed so hard because that’s actually how I felt. He was eager to try frybread an I was eager to get my frybread delight, so I “allowed” him to eat. As we’re looking for the best frybread stand I see a coworker. At first I had no idea who she was… for some reason people look different to me when they’re not at work… We got our frybreads – me my delight, him his NDN Taco… When sat down next to classic humorous elders. I had to share with them it was his first frybread… one offered to show him how to eat it. The fork I was given for my frybread delight was pointless… I ended up eating it with my hands. I dropped some on my pants and I blurted out to him “THIS IS WHY I CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!” Back in high school I used to say everyday I woke up wondering how I was going to make him make his “Wtf face.” It worked.

I ran into “my auntie” and spoke to her for quite awhile… ditching him again. He found plenty to do. We bought stuff then went to the evening Grand Entry.  I ran into more and more people. He said to me toward the end “You really are tight knit in the community.” I explained to him I wouldn’t have made it through my brother’s killer be caught then the plea bargain if not for my community. We both were extremely sore and I still had a lot of driving to do, so we left. Again, when he told me he knew where my car was I listened without question. Again, he had no idea. Eventually I found my car – notice I said “I.” As I drove him home he told me about two peers we had in high school being institutionalized for schizophrenia. I never thought in a million years that if anyone from high school was going to be institutionalized it’d be them. I wasn’t a fan of theirs, he was extremely close to them… He said it really hit him hard to the point of panic attacks but he was unsure why… of course my years in therapy and recent talkings with Crush I knew the answer, “Well you lost two of your friends. They may be alive but the people you knew them for are not.” Yea, even I said “Whoa where’d that from?” We spoke about our families and their issues. He asked me “What does your family have against you so much?” He knows my family very well. He knows a lot of stuff is surface value only when around others. My family and he still like each other a lot. If he wasn’t gay my mom would probably beg me to marry him… she loves him.

I dropped him off and we promised to hangout again, but keep in touch (in other words text me) until then. It was just an awesome day… united with a friend, forgiveness, powwows, frybread, relatives, friends, community, and of course the eagles.